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Eurotravel
Planner
Section: Frequently UNasked Questions
Are there questions you are afraid to ask, but secretly want to know? We present the Jerry Springer Show for European Travel questions. Crude, irreverent, stupid, possibly deplorable, but ya can't stop watching, errr, reading!
- Do they sell sheepskin condoms in Europe?
- Why are European Toilets so damn weird?
- Are the French really as rude as they seem?
- Have Europeans ever heard of short pants?
- Are Drugs really legal in Amsterdam?
FUQ: So, DO they sell sheepskin condoms?
Ahem, I don't have personal experiend on this, but I, uhhh, read it in a magazine once. Yes. they do. But I guess you shouldn't use them because they don't form a protective barrier to various diseases and are somewhat unreliable. Just ask Travel Pete Jr. of Lithuania. Check here for more on real safety issues in Europe.
FUQ: Why are European Toilets so damn weird?
These toilets? It's not about weird, or strange, or crazy, or just plain unusable, it's about uniqueness and a certain stubborness in the face of better solutions. Sort of like, if they don't change, maybe they aren't wrong. Of course, Paris has gone with some wonderful, coin-operated public toilets that self-steam between uses. Stunning ingenuity, I must say.
FUQ: Are the French as rude as we've heard?
Well, uhh, no. Sorry, I have to go against decades of tradition here. The problem is simply that the French are actually a lot like Americans, and neither of us can stand that. As for traditional rudeness, I have found that Paris in August is a bit rude. All the French that CAN leave have left (mostly to the South). The rest are simply there to serve tourists, and they are hot, sticky, and not happy about seeing other people on vacation. I've now been a few places in France and if you learn 10 words of French, they'll love you. Or bring a baby. They love babies.
FUQ: Have Europeans heard of short pants?
Hello? Capris. Those ARE short pants. Duh.
FUQ: Are drugs really legal in Amsterdam?
Why do you ask? Please speak into the microphone. Ahhh, yes, of course, intellectual curiosity, I'm sure. Yes, personal possession of less than something like 1oz of soft drugs for personal use is legal in all of Holland. Hard drugs are just as illegal as they are in the US, although in Amsterdam the availability is sometimes a bit in your face. It turns out that the statistics show that Dutch kids use less marijuana (though it's legal) than American kids (where it's very illegal).
FUQ: Is it true British beer has no head?
Have you people no shame? To make sexual joke about such an impotent topic. In the interests of education and to shame you into silence, I shall answer. Those of us who cut our drinking teeth in England know that the foamy crap at the top of beers is simply a damn ploy by Germans and Czechs to cheat us out of a full pint. As is having the official pint line right at the top lip of the glass, what's up with that? Do you know how often I have to ask a lazy bartender to top up my glass? Sheesh... Parliament oughtta do something about this. See here for what Britain's CAMRA has to say on the subject.
FUQ: Why are the roads all so twisty and stuff over there?
Twisted people, twisted roads. A straight line is not the shortest distance between two pubs.
FUQ: Why are there no napkins in Europe?
Damn tree huggers have won over there. That's why we've got to support anti-environmentalists over here! Some people say "Ooh, la la, the Europeans are just cleaner than us." Hogwash I say!
FUQ: Should I stuff my luggage as full as possible to ensure I don't forget to bring anything?
Go ahead, Tom. I swear, I won't "accidentally" leave your 30lbs of extra crap in the toilet in Birmingham again.
FUQ: How do I find my way back to the hotel/hostel, campsite or another bar after I've been drinking heavily while traveling?
I use breadcrumbs. Then I started using string, because birds like crumbs. Turns out they like string too, so now I've gone to carrying a map. Of course, it seems like they enjoy building nests out of those, so I'm not sure what's next.
FUQ: Is it true Europeans have never heard of rap music?
How silly! Of course not. MTV Europe broadcasts a rap-music video every morning at 3:00am. Now, if you asked whether Europe is entranced with house music and great 70s tunes, well, absolutely.
FUQ: How is FUQ actually pronounced?
As an acronym for Frequently Unasked Questions, you pronounce it in a similar manner to the way you pronounce FAQs (e.g. "fack").
FUQ: Why the hell do Americans like traveling to Europe, anyway?
The women. The guys. The cafés. The 70s music. I don't know, we just do.
FUQ: Do EuroSports Fans really like soccer?
Yes, this isn't a myth.
FUQ: Do the English ALL have bad teeth?
Elizabeth Hurley does not.
FUQ: What's the difference between Scotch & Whiskey?
There's a totally different accent.
FUQ: Do the Irish really serve blood pudding for breakfast?
Best served before you are really awake and have put your contacts in, I suppose, but yes.
FUQ: What is Rugby?
What isn't Rugby? It ain't chess, that's what it ain't.
FUQ: Is the Loch Ness Monster real?
It's an unqualified "Yes" says the Scottish Loch Ness Tourism Commission and Taxation Board.
FUQ: Does it rain in England?
Do pigs fart? Was there water on Mars? Is the Loch Ness Monster real?
FUQ: What's the name of that devilishly painful, poisonous weed in Switzerland and the Alps that keeps raking my legs into raw, stinging meat?
No, really. What is it?
FUQ: If Rick Steves espouses do-it-yourself travel, why are his fans always spotted walking around holding his guidebooks like bibles?
Dunno, but it bugs me every time I hear a Rick Steves' Devotee say, "Well, Rick doesn't mention it so we're not going there." Basically, most people who enjoy his back door theory like to follow his preachings to the letter of the law, ignoring what he's actually saying, which is to FIND YOUR OWN FRIGGIN' WAY, PEOPLE!!!! Sheesh. It's embarrassing.
FUQ: Do people take crosswalks more seriously in Europe? Switzerland? Italy?
Like many things, Europe's a mixed bag on this one. In Switzerland, I recall having fun walking near crosswalks and just sort of sticking a foot out. BMWs and Mercedes' screech to a halt just outside the painted lines. In Italia, I heard the same screeching, but that was the engines on their Vespa scooters revving up as they gunned for me.
FUQ: Why can't American girls traveling abroad together after college just chill out and get along?
Hooo, that's a loaded question, but I'm married now so I can answer with impunity (as long as my sweet wife doesn't read this).
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