The Travel Lifestyle

Bathrooms, toilets, WCs, urinals and crappers of Europe!

Europeeans show a special glee in demonstrating their self-expression and non-conformity nowhere more boldly than in their creatively designed "body fluid evacuation systems."

What with the Euro, open borders and the European Community overwhelming their individuality, Europe has finally found an outlet, so-to-speak, for individual expression.

In the United States we have two options: Toilets and Urinals (okay, technically we have a 3rd option). But that's another story. Flush such simplicity from your mind!

From the exotic to the inscrutable to the cross-legged unusable, EuroToilets challenge the most laid-back of travelers, so they really confused me. Here's a baker's dozen local European options to plunge into.

As my editor asked me to avoid run-on sentences, let's get things moving!

Nature Urinal (pictured above) With View
Sometimes you'll find that Europe is not as accommodating as far as opportunities to relieve congestion, as it were. In such situations, it is advisable to find a seldom-used backroad, make your way into the poison ivy, and heave to! Add a cow or two grazing and you've got quite the audience for a relaxing event.

Turkish Toilet
The best name, the worst toilet. Vegans and Eastern European health experts swear by them. I just swear at them and tuck it in. Essentially, the Turkish Toilet is a grand name for a very mundane hole-in-the-ground. A hole. Sometimes there's a completely modern flushing system for this hole, sometimes a hole is just a hole. Also called "squat toilets," I've simply never found a way to squat over my jeans and let gravity happen naturally. Found mostly in Greece, Italy and (presumably) Turkey. Both models shown here are "modern" Turkish and include the ability to flush. Yes, flush a hole.

Amsterdam Public Urinal (Pete's Quickie Choice!)

Ye Olde Royal Toilet
Thin, wooden, with a drop of 40 feet to the bottom, as it were, the Royals had a good time of it with indoor castle plumbing. Lake breezes might be interesting in winter, I'd imagine. Don't fall in, that last seat's a doozy! Goes to show, it is good to be the king, but maybe not that good!

Amsterdam Public Urinal 2 (Pete Loves 'em all)

Okay, fine, one more Amsterdam Commode
Unless by commode you mean a shitter. There ain't NO WAY you're using this as such. It remains to be seen whether a woman would ever stoop so low, as it were, as to use one of these completely public, in the middle of the dang street, clover-leaf 4-pack urinals.

Handicap Unaccessible toilet
Among the most modern toilet facilities in Europe was a large, handicap-accessible one. Nicely-tiled floors and walls, stainless-steel or perhaps aluminum hand rails, clean, antiseptic smelling, spacious, the works! Only, by design, there is no seat on this otherwise too-spacious toilet bowl. DOH!

Wall Trough Urinal
Think of a long pig or horse drinking-water trough. Make it aluminum, add rust stains, stick it on a wall, line up a couple of nozzles pointing down aimlessly and with no water pressure, make a failed attempt to get it to drain in the proper direction and then get ready, your pub is open!

Parisian Public Toilet (Pete's Choice!)
In all the world there is no better public restroom. These facilities are worth every Franc errr, Euro. For 30 cents US you get a locked stall with a toilet that, after you are finished, folds into the wall and gets thoroughly steam-cleaned and auto-disinfected, along with the walls and floors! Exit expeditiously to avoid being cleansed. I drink triple espressos just to enjoy these with greater frequency! On the left is the outside, on the right, the secret cream filling.

Travel Pete Says:
Going to Europe? Check out our tips on what to pack!

Supervised, Paid Toilet
My personal dis-favorite, an exhibitionist's dreamworld. Toilets from Germany to Greece are filled to overflowing with wrinkled, little old grannies and a knowing scowl. They take your money and watch to enforce the No Splash Zone. Don't like the voyeurism? Don't go! This particular Modern "Pay" Turkish was found in Venice, and went unused (at least by me).

Pet Toilets
As a dog, the world is my oyster, and it is a dog's life, so why in hell would I need a sign telling me where to relieve myself? Clearly, it is another attempt by humans to play the "If you can't beat 'em, regulate 'em" game. Good luck and thanks, but no thanks. Found more in central and northern Europe.

Shelf 'n' Brush Toilet
A favorite of the Germans (this really is taking the engineering mindset too far), the shelf 'n' brush has two components. First, a toilet with no drainage cone shaped drop zone (such as American toilets use). Instead, there is a flat shelf for the proceeds of your adventure to land on and sit (and smell), awaiting inspection. When you flush, approximately 2.4% of this material is washed away. A-ha-ha you say, intuitively. Here's where the BRUSH part of the name comes in, usually as a useless, stained plastic brush. Yep. Reduce-Reuse-Recycle my ass.

EuroToilet with a view (Germany)
This is what good King Ludwig II saw when he sat on his royal "throne" in the Neuschwanstein Castle each morning! Well, before he was "accidentally" drowned, of course). Check here for more Castle Pix!

Travel Pete Says:
Going to Europe? Check out our tips on where to go in Europe and itinerary planning!

Can't Flush TP Toilet
In several countries you'll be surprised to learn that toilets are "not for disposing of toilet paper." We're not talking Zimbabwe, either, I'm thinkin' Germany, Spain & Italy! Yes, it's up to you to avoid smelling up the joint! Actually, there is (hopefully) a small waste basket left near this offending sign emploring you to skip the dip. Further, if you try to sneak some down the chute, a clogged toilet will rat you out like a Viché sympathizer!

German Public Urinals
A small wooden maze, simply step in and urinate. For Herren only, no Damen please. Be sure to wave "Guten Tag" to neighbors as they pass by you in the park.

Holy Toilets, Popeman!
Think only Medieval Royals enjoyed the warmth of indoor plumbing? Well, basically. The clergy in the good old days also had it, well, good. Here's a toilet hidden in an extremely ornate receiving room for a bishop or some famous religious guy who owned a castle in Salzburg (big one, can't miss it). The other 300 people in the castle had to truck it outside for their morning ablutions. Yeppers.

The Efficiency Model
Trust a declining European population to feel the need to create a toilet/shower combination plate. In Greece, for example, I could sit on the pot ruminating whilst my feet were cleansed by the shower. Then, when finished, I could clean the entire room, including the toilet, by employing the shower nozzle! Too convenient, sounds like something I'd dream up for college life.

Travel Pete Says:
Going to Europe? Check out our tips on where to go in Europe and itinerary planning!

Electronic Toilet
As a rule these come in all shapes and sizes, and are found in the least likely places. Of course, they are in the casinos in Monte Carlo, but also grungy-seeming toilet closets in the backs of small restaurants. Electronic often means there are notional buttons on top whose meaning shall remain unclear to you, the traveler, and that the toilet seat shall either go up and down electronically, self-clean by rotating in a circle (gives new meaning to sit-and-spin), or both! Quite fun, you can usually hear multiple flushes when an American goes in. Look closely at the picture to see that this seat is actually being turned a full 360 degrees while it is cleaned and disinfected.

Modern Art Toilet
No, as a matter of fact, I never could decipher modern art all that well. Mondrian? Don't get it. This specimen is a Hunderwasser original found in Vienna, Austria. Mirrors pre-broken with flair (or perhaps to beat the vandals at their own game)!

Belgium's (in)famous Mannekin Pis...girl
Uhhh, yeah. The Mannekin Pis boy is famous, just whippin' it out and showering the world. Less famous, but pointed out to us by a kind Belgian lass... is the boy's duality, the piss girl. She squats freely, right in central Brussels. Well, in an alley way anyway.

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